If we want to put things simply, it’s way easier to ghost someone, avoid a certain topic, or wait for our relationships to drift away than it is to sit down and have a conversation we’ve been avoiding. But that thing we’ve been carrying, whether it’s resentment, pain, confusion, disappointment, or anything else, will not just magically disappear. Feelings and emotions linger. They become walls between us and others: And when we don’t face them, we teach ourselves to fear conflict instead of learning to face it with courage and dignity.
When we form the habit of avoiding hard conversations, we always end up losing: Sometimes we lose relationships, sometimes opportunities, but every time we lose a chance to grow as men.
No two conversations are the same, and sometimes we must have a talk that makes us want to walk away entirely, but learning how to direct these hard conversations and how to communicate through them effectively is a valuable tool that every man must have in their skillset, so here’s how to approach them:
1. Reaching Out
If you need to have a difficult conversation, it’s essential to keep things as human as possible. This conversation is meaningful, so a message alone will never be enough. Of course, texting definitely feels safer: it’s more distant, and that gives us a false sense of control, but messages always give room to misunderstanding. People tend to assume the worst or read our words through the lens of their own feelings, which, in almost all cases, leads to doing more harm than good.
If you’re serious about having a conversation, meet in person (or, worst-case scenario, have it through a call). Most of what we communicate lies in how we say the things we say rather than what we are literally saying. Create a space where both parties can express themselves and look each other in the eye. A space to be present.
Creating that space is a matter of honesty. Start by reaching out with your goal of having a genuine conversation in mind, and share a bit about how you’re feeling.
“Hey, I’ve been holding onto something, and I think it’s worth talking through. Can we find time to have a conversation?”
2. Humility and compassion
It’s extremely important to keep this in mind: You’re not showing up to win an argument, you’re showing up to understand someone else.
When we go into a conversation with a “battle mindset”, we build up walls and make communication almost impossible. When we approach it with the intention of both understanding and being understood, we lower our guard and invite the other person to do the same. We must put our egos aside to see the conversation as it is: we are not standing on opposite sides of a battlefield; we are both working together to solve an issue. We should not bring blame, self-righteousness, or arrogance; instead, we should strive for honesty and openness.
“I’m not here to prove a point. I want to understand what happened, and understand where both of us are coming from.”
3. Focus on common ground
When we start a conversation by focusing on what divides us, we build more tension and give space to resentment. On the other hand, when we focus on what unites us, it becomes clearer that we are tackling an issue as a team rather than as counterparts. Anchoring in common ground is a great way to do this, as it sets the tone for teamwork for the rest of the conversation. Be it a relationship issue, a fight you had with a friend, or a problem at work, by recognizing how both parties are affected by the situation and how to build from it, we make it clear that our intentions are not to fight but to work through a problem that needs solving for the common good.
We are having a conversation to save our common ground, to protect our relationship, not to create a bigger problem, or to point fingers, trying to find someone to blame.
“I’m coming to you with this because it matters to me. I think we both are better than what’s in between us.”
4. Compromise
This whole thing isn’t about being right. It’s about facing a problem and solving it.
Solving a problem can look a lot of ways. Sometimes it means taking a compromise, and sometimes it might mean learning something you didn’t want to know. It might even mean agreeing to part ways, but doing it consciously: with clarity, mutual respect, and taking the time to make sure there is no poison to linger in the wound.
We can’t fix a problem by just addressing it, and in most cases, solving a problem means changing something else. We may find that both parties need to work on their own areas for improvement, or that we need to work through specific issues together. Being willing to compromise shows responsibility and accountability. We have fixed the problem, yes, but how can we improve to prevent it from happening again?
After a challenging conversation, it’s essential to make sure not to leave space for a new complicated conversation to emerge from this one, so keeping some of these questions in mind to discuss at the end can be a helpful tool to help prevent that from happening.
“What would help you feel heard right now?”
“How can we move forward in a way that feels good for both of us?”
“Do you think we understand each other better than before this conversation?”
“Is there anything else that you would like to say before we move on?”
Why these hard conversations matter:
Every time we choose silence over honesty, we reinforce the idea that honesty isn’t safe. You teach yourself that people can’t handle your truth, and by consequence, that you can’t handle theirs.
Having the conversation we dread is one of the deepest forms of respect we can offer another person. And it’s one of the most evident signs of integrity in ourselves. Whether the outcome is repair or closure, we walk away from it with our heads up, our hearts lighter, and as better men than before.