We’ve all lived this before: saying something we didn’t mean, jumping to fix a problem that wasn’t ours to begin with, or avoiding something even though it keeps us stuck.
And before we know it, we’re wondering: Why did I do that?
Or even worse: Why did I do that again?
That moment when something inside us takes the wheel is what we call emotional autopilot. It’s automatic, and often unconscious. And although it feels like instinct, in reality it’s memory. It’s the way we’ve learned to survive, protect ourselves, or stay safe.
“Reaction is learned. Response is built”.
The reactive self, the emotional autopilot, isn’t a flaw; it’s a defense from old versions of ourselves that play by old rules. Rules that tell us to fix things before people get upset. Rules that tell us it’s our job to save people from their problems, and that tell us that it’s our responsibility to have everything be perfect.
With time, these rules become reactions. And the more they protected us, the more deeply they take root. But in order to grow, we need to interrupt that loop. Just because a reaction is familiar, doesn’t mean it’s aligned. And if it’s not aligned, we must work on it: Work on slowing down enough to choose our next move instead of letting our old programming choose for us.
In between a trigger and a reaction there’s a gap. And in that gap lies possibility.
Let’s see how to take advantage of that gap:
As with most things, the first thing we need to do is notice the loop: Catch yourself before the pattern plays out. Notice what is currently going on in you. Is your jaw tight? Is your chest tense? Is there a feeling of urgency, defensiveness, guilt…? All of these are signals: They’re data, not directives. Notice these signals to notice the loop.
Once we notice the loop, we have to tap into reality. Make use of that newfound pause and get curious: “What am I actually feeling right now?” “Is this about the present moment or an old wound?” “Is this situation really mine to fix?” Clarity emerges when we name the reality beneath the story. If we are feeling something that doesn’t make sense in the current situation, we’re probably reacting from a previous experience that’s not tied with the present at all. Once we figure that out, we can tackle the problem in front of us with our current tools and not the old ones.
When we realize where we actually are, we can respond with intention: Only with intention can we guarantee a response in alignment with ourselves. A response that interrupts our old programming and shifts us into what we choose to do instead of what we are used to doing. It sounds strange, but ask yourself what would you do in this exact situation. Not what you usually do, but what would you do. What serves the moment, and not just your fear of it?
This might mean setting a boundary instead of people-pleasing, staying still instead of stepping in, or it might mean saying less while meaning more.
Growing doesn’t mean having zero reactions, but the more we grow the more we catch ourselves right before reacting automatically; and the more we make choices instead of just going with what we usually do.
The real work is in the pause; in the gap of possibility. In the small space between trigger and choice, where we get to decide who we want to be.
It takes a lot to break old patterns and to tap into who we are meant to be, and you don’t have to do it all alone. Wolfpack exists to support this work. To walk beside men who are shifting out of fear-based patterns and into a life built on presence, awareness, and personal truth.
This September, we gather again. If you feel the pull to pause, recalibrate, and reconnect with the man you’re becoming, you’ll want to be there.
You’re not behind because you’re reacting. You’re doing the work, and that’s a great place to start. Next time you notice the loop, you’ll know what to do.